The Disease to Please

The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome by Harriet Braiker, McGraw-Hill, 2002. 

Conflict Avoidancee

This book teaches conflict-avoidant people how to say NO! People pleasers are people who try to make everyone like them. People pleasers do not want to hurt the feelings of other people. People pleasers often practice conflict avoidance. People pleasers are disproportionately female

Downsides

There are downside to people pleasing. Neglecting your own needs. Being pulled in different directions by pleasing more than one person. Vulnerable to manipulative people. Vulnerable to being used sexually. Being perceived as manipulative: Many people will see your being nice to them as a way to get something in return. Some people will not be grateful and may even harm you, no matter how nice you are to them. Bigots won’t like you, no matter how kind you are to them. People who are envious of you will not reciprocate your kindness. Needing to avoid people who ask for favors, because you don’t know how to say no

Origins

There are several origins of people pleasing: Abusive childhoods: afraid of enraging a hot-tempered parent. Feelings of inadequacy: being nice to make up for being fat, poor, short, ugly, etc. Fear of being seen as selfish: you see sticking up for yourself as being selfish. Perfectionism: a compulsion to always be perfect. Strict moral code: excessive fear of sinning. Fear of conflict. Fear of losing ones temper. Fear of abandonment. Fear of criticism. Magical thinking: the belief that being nice to everyone will protect you from harm. The naive belief that life is fair, and that your generosity will eventually be rewarded. 

Kinds of Pleasers

There are three kinds of pleasers: Cognitive (problems with self-esteem, fear of criticism). Behavioral (people pleasing has become a habit). Emotionally avoidant (fear of conflict, and fear of getting angry)

Authenticity and Intimacy

The author discusses the issue of authenticity and intimacy. There is an inherent conflict between being real and being nice. If you never display any negative emotions, you will be perceived as being inauthentic. If you don’t tell your partner what your needs are, he will not know how to please you. Your husband never knows your true feelings, never sees your authentic self,  sees only your pleasing. Your partner is left starved for intimacy. 

Saying NO

It is important to learn how to say “no”. When someone asks you for a favor, you have the option of saying “No”. Saying “No” some of the time is about establishing boundaries. You will probably find that people will not react as strongly to your “No” as you feared they would. Remember that you have plenty of earned credit. Your “No” must be unequivocal and final. Sound relaxed, direct and firm. Do not over-explain, apologize, offer excuses, or express guilt. Stay on message; if necessary, repeat yourself, even sound like a broken record. If you feel unable to decline the request directly, then buy time to delay your answer so that you can think before you speak. Tell the person requesting the favor that you need time to think, or make an excuse to call them back, such as the need to go to the bathroom. Sometimes it may be reasonable to offer a counterproposal that gives the requestor only part of what he asked for. But don’t let the requestor negotiate this compromise: he can take it or leave it.